第8天 10.8
4：20 梦记录：可以写小说，将来可以出一本各种craving体现， subtler is better。
20年没有say hello彼此喜欢男女，skating经过彼此，一家人遮住眼睛；
住在一个老楼里，fame体现，因为开心房子是自己的，很多人参观，IMD校友来一起cava，有品尝，错过杭州讲座，讲演者是4个人，西装革履型。
纽约Marc住在我的房子里free，投诉各种老设施。
朋友妈妈在他家干活，4点必须走，他是doctor，晚回家，妈妈等他洗完衣服走，路过很多楼，一个圆拱形俱乐部，一个奢华spa，他指示给我看。
6.55am：
deeper the caving; deeper is the aversion; deeper the aversion, deeper is the infliction!
如何正确理解这句话，在board上，我琢磨着。
早晨类似一种细苞米面，撒了几个石榴和crispy chips，都不是爱吃的，很没味道；这里饮食不是单调问题，是没有营养和膳食纤维，所以人胖，但都是hidden hunger。
说说我的挑战，就是sensation没有，今天我要和老师请教，是否就是人无药可救，我尽可能不有情绪，只是感受每个部位存在，大部分可以感知到，加上些许想象。时间长了容易发展成为illusion，后果更可怕。
如果总结一下，这个体系教会我们：面对各种情绪涌来，都保持equanimity，因为all will pass and change; 但不是就无作为，还是为了dhamma努力帮助更多人，赚钱同时可以帮助别人是可以的。我们karma都累积在我们感官和身体里，非常 deep，所以需要手术破解它，那就是知道它的存在，凭借10天和之后一辈子冥想。
方法论我接受和认同，就是感知不到，绝望不被允许，所以就接受无感知。
果然第7天挑战，昨天下午晚上我都很绝望，巴不得早点结束，今天就想反正是自己决定做的事，希望很大，渴望一场心灵手术，结果手术室和医生都不错，发现我的身体腐朽利害，要治很多次或者很多投资。
葛提到人睡觉会少，只要休息够了，大脑和身体就会醒，我还是如此，12，1.30， 3.30醒来过，看来确实清醒很多，对我有帮助；不排除赶lizard没成功，一直天棚上我盯着他看；而且说到很多yogi awaken，是知道truth，不是不睡觉。葛常用“it is so clear！”因为他enlightened，所以一切都clear，我很多时候不明所以；喜欢和孩子一起一直疑惑为什么：他们很开心，欲望简单容易满足；而大一些开始有无穷尽欲望，misery开始，没有人能够幸免，所以gotama开始帮助所有人，据说活到35+45=80岁，用了45年传播vipassana，临死时候还是排队中有人要求dhamma，他决定教。
Full of love, full of compassion. 如果我们说自己虔诚，就要有他的一点点同样的compassion，所以我见到印度胖女人和打嗝大哥，都应该有compassion。
我开始留意自己很多行为原因，例如想到某人就很不愉快，看到照片也是同样；其实equnimity是平静，不代表喜好，因为都不持续吗？
不敏感是因为大脑太忙碌，purify所以重要。我已经比很多人简单，他们岂不是更加感受不到身体？每个人都不一样，所以没法推断和询问。
现在听从身体，就是要排毒。好不容易！我肯定是之前吃的脂肪在支撑我练习和瑜伽，还有维生素给我体力。
There is a saying everyday in the board:
Deeper the craving, deep is the aversion; deep the aversion, deep is the infliction. 不明白。
9.08am：
Sensation确实提高了，这次只有一个小时就过去，走路汗毛直立的感觉，想到公司里V女郎们，决定对他们好一点，每个过往的人值得她们的return，没有她，没有后来人加入，所以没啥不公平的。
12.30pm：
我按老师建议去找他，this is so worthwhile！
我问：Do we look for sensation all over the body?
老师：We are living beings, there is sensation, we get so busy we lose it; it will come all over the places.
我：Even my toe? How u do it in daily life if there is sensation all over body, do u talk and do things without being disturbed？
老师：I feel all the sensation, it will only make u interact better, do better what u do！
我：How to understand properly equanimity ?
老师：There is itch, pain u do not react to it, u do not touch it!
我：But if the bone is broken， it is real pain and problem it does exist.
老师：Again, it arise and go, u will not feel so much pain.
我：Then I understand it differently, might be language issue, I thought it is no matter u like it or dislike it, u do not prefer one over another.
老师：It is also right, u do not react.
我：What about in life, when there is situation challenging, I should not react and keep it equanimity, would that be too passive? My background always tells us to work much harder on it.
老师：All will change, the situation will also change; it is not passive, u just accept. U should do more courses, then u would understand it better, and u can inspire others.
我：At this point, I do not have the courage to do another course, but I do write and want to inspire others, but first I have to understand it right. What means enlightenment?
老师：It earns pure of mind, no mistake on truth of life. It is about love, compassion, u would learn tonight and tomorrow.
我：Would enlighten person still go through reincarnation? Budha does not.
老师：Buddha has finish his circles, u and me will go through many lives, but we can be enlightened.
我：Why we are so much talking about body, every inch of it; in Buddhism it is said body and mind both are not important only consciousness matters, why vipassana so much into physical body?
老师：We do everything with our body, it is important.
我：Is goenkaji going another life, do u know where he is.
老师：Yes, I know. Now u have to go.
我一个小时快速练完ashtanga，最快一次，最瘦一次，没吃午饭，因为老师让我去找他，我算了时间，也许可以练完简单系列，结果一股作气，状态不错，虽然左大臀肌隐隐作痛，不知啥引起，打坐还是瑜伽？告诉自己急也要一步步来，不要受伤。感觉收获很大，这个老师还是enlightened person，听力不大好，但问题都回答到位。
早晨女老师提问，我问到她如何理解equanimity，举例大叔打嗝，问：I should not be disturbed, but I am disturbed, should I pretend not so?
管家替她回答： u should not pretend, but u should focus on your sensation. U should have compassion for it, he might not be well.
我：My sensation stoped, I have to refocus. Yes I try to tell myself that way, not dislike it.
话说过来，大叔确实停止了，我一直“期待”同样的情况发生，希望义工基于大多数人修行苦处，和他聊过，他也是可以hold住的。这不是一件小事而已，而是不同文化处理方法，在美国肯定会有人老早就提出为了大家着想，是否可以克制一下！在这里，都no reacting。
I can see better time is coming, my pain and suffering is not severe this morning, even still not feel much sensation；I got certain good sensation in part of the body. It should be continuing in noise Shanghai?!
Key is equanimity ! I like English one explanation is COOL, I am cool!
2.17pm：
我是佛前一朵莲，在你面前静静开放………突然这首歌想起，是octave佛师奏乐时，我记得自己泪流雨下，没有那么大的雨，但是浑身战栗，其实我是有佛缘的，吃素，戒欲，对灵性修行和佛学很感兴趣，但绝对不出家。
5.10pm：
确实一切都是impermanent，刚刚2.30我认为breakthrough，意识到nadi和sensation关系，脉轮charkras在呼吸中的关键点，刚刚high了不到一个小时，之后时间就没了感觉，尤其cells在装修有很大噪音，我就当是考验我们equanimity，忍受，告诉自己一会可以喝chai，还是忍住了没喝，还有两天了，坚持吧。
我意识到自己之前好纠结每个身体部位放哪，和那个部位接触，衣服碰到肌肤哪里，其实freeflow应该是不受这些限制，都是气流和电流畅通，说得都通，因为如果一个yogi所有气脉都通了，确实没有任何inversion，craving，世界一切通畅，天地非常简单，这应该就是gotama和goenka都知道而且已经实现的，72000个气脉非常难以通畅，一旦打通，确实浑身都是sensation，没有疾病。要感谢今天没有吃午饭，所以灵性比较好，但不要craving for it，就失去意义。是个值得纪念日子，虽然反反复复，但保持equanimity。
下午阳关一直如此美丽，我会想念这里吗？
之前我还想到要对4个女人好一些，共同share profit，以此为证，要做到。也想到过S批评我太nice，但这就是我想通的，和别人无关，太多的mine是阻碍，包括瑜伽对我的帮助性和灵性上提高，最应该感谢sunny，但jennier和david也是催化剂。
一只苍蝇一直烦我，知道不会打死它；我的moringa精油吸引无数小蚂蚁，到处都是，放哪都如此，从来没在房间里看到成队的蚂蚁，看来蚂蚁喜欢这种树；还有路上看到一只蚂蚁拖着一个很大的蚂蚁尸体，费力走了很久，我没时间看到她到底拖到哪里去，想她会有难过情绪吗？大王死了。
内观原则是不要观察周围，只关注自己。但自然之美还是有的，就是灰非常大，每天都得扫地，这和污染有关系吗？
我倒是一点都不担心公司，不管发生什么，equnimity，会有检验机会的。
看录像真想上去抱抱Goenka这个可爱的老头，每次都很感动！
Unconsciousness is 王阳明说的“心中贼”； body and mind is not important, what matters is sensation, which is deep in the mind, vipassana is to the deep of mind。
Be aware of sensation and be equanimous， which are two wings of bird and two wheels of car
黑暗to光明，it is me, with old karma I came from trouble, but going to be happy; 光明to光明， is to contribute what we have to the others in need.
It is quite dangerous which I experienced, the pleasure of free flow, which is again crating new karma，craving; no matter what no reacting: equanimity。
Take hard decisions, but full of compassion and love, just as Buddha said to the hostile visitor: U bring all these presents, which are abusive, u can bring it back with u.
U have to help yourself in order to help others, u have to be healthy to help others. Limb person can not help limb, blind person can not help another blind.
It is quite dangerous and hard work to get rid of karmas, just like a dead of banyan tree, grow big with fruits, each fruit has same seed.
Buddha only teach samathi, panna and dharma.
Scientist developing the metal for the spaceshutte come to Ge’s teacher, describe it as a pure ring, so all the 锈rust will get off. He improves so much relationship with his team and his family, I am sure he is a jerk, like Steve jobs, which I always wonder why all these meditation did not turn him into a nice person, which is least important comparing with what he has contributed to the soviet.
Fire only burns new firewood, then the old wood, we have to stop giving new karma, the old will dissolve.
It is like a toy with a engine wire, u have to stop wiring it it will stop, buddha said like a rope u twisted it twisted then u drop it, it will lose itself.
Many people coming to vipassana many times, but without proper technique it is not vipassana.
I hope I am to finish it, not creating new karma or dilute my efforts of vipassana.
Only when hard time comes, equanimity matters, with a smile, because of compassion and love.
