10 Ways to Have Better Communication 10大沟通技巧

沟通是建立人际关系的桥梁。可有的人在生活中却不善于沟通。每次遇到有意思的人，想和ta做朋友。满脑子想着，“哎呀！！我们赶紧熟悉起来呀！其实我是个段子手！你快看看我！我可有意思啦！！你快来呀。真的不来看看吗(╥╯^╰╥)”

如果你也是这样的人，下面这篇TED演讲可能可以为你提供些许帮助呢。

塞莱斯特·黑德利(Celeste Headlee)做了几十年的电台主持人，她知道成功交谈的要素:诚实、简洁、清晰和健康的倾听。在这篇颇有见地的演讲中，她分享了10条有用的规则，有助于更好地交谈。“走出去，和人们交谈，倾听人们的声音，”她说。“最重要的是，做好被谈话对象震惊到的准备。”

如果小伙伴们有兴趣，可以戳下面链接去看演讲视频~

https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation

演讲者介绍

Celeste Headlee(born December 30, 1969) has previouslybeen the host of the Georgia Public Broadcasting program "On SecondThought", and the co-host of the national morning news show The Takeaway,from Public Radio International and WNYC. Before joining fellow host JohnHockenberry in 2009, she was the Midwest Correspondent for NPR's Day to Day andthe host of a weekly show on Detroit Public Radio. Headlee is the author of WeNeed to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter (Harper Wave, September 19,2017).

塞莱斯特·黑德利(Celeste Headlee, 1969年12月30日出生)曾担任乔治亚州公共广播节目“思虑再三（On Second Thought）”的主持人，也是国际公共广播电台(Public Radio International)和WNYC电台的全国早间新闻节目《外卖》(the Takeaway)的联合主持人。2009年加入约翰·霍肯伯里(John Hockenberry)之前，她是美国国家公共广播电台(NPR)驻中西部记者，也是底特律公共广播电台(Detroit Public Radio)每周节目的主持人。黑德利著有《我们需要交谈:如何进行有意义的交谈》(Harper Wave, 2017年9月19日)。

All right, I want to see a show of hands: howmany of you have unfriended someone on Facebook becausethey said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

好的，我想让大家举手示意一下，有多少人曾在Facebook上拉黑过好友，原因可能是他们发表过关于不恰当的言论，比如政治、宗教、儿童权益、当然也有可能是食物？

And how many of you know at least one personthat you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?

有多少人至少有一个不想见的人，原因仅仅就是你不想和对方说话？

You know, it used to be that in order to havea polite conversation, we just had to follow

the adviceof Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing,those subjects -- are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this worldin which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speakto one another and where even the most trivial of issueshave someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it'snot normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found thatat this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history.We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And wemake decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are goingto be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening toeach other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, andsomewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

要知道，在过去想要一段礼貌的交谈，我们只要遵循亨利·希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告：只谈论天气和你的健康状况就行了。但这些年随着气候变化以及反对疫苗运动的开展——这招也不怎么管用了。因此，在我们生活的这个世界，每一次交谈都有可能引发争论，政客无法彼此交谈，甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的事情都有人激动地赞成或反对，这太不正常了。皮尤研究中心对一万名美国成年人做了一次调查，现在的我们会更极端，我们的意见十分不统一，这个程度堪称史上最高。我们更不愿意妥协，这意味着我们没有倾听彼此。我们的各种决定，比如在何处生活，与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友，都只基于我们已有的信念。同样，这也说明我们没有倾听彼此。交谈需要在讲述和倾听中取一个平衡，而不知怎么的，我们却渐渐失掉了这种平衡。

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either havein your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. Accordingto Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred textsa day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friendsthan they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic.It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kidsa communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subjectwithout using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."

技术进步是原因之一。比如智能手机，要不就是在手里拿着，或者就在手边，随手就能拿到。据皮尤的研究称，三分之一左右的美国青少年每天发送的短信超过一百条。其中很多人，几乎是所有人，都更倾向于给朋友发短信，而不是面对面的交谈。《大西洋》杂志登过一篇不错的文章，作者是高中教师保罗·巴恩韦尔。他给自己的学生一项交流任务，希望教会他们如何不借助笔记针对某一话题发表演讲。然后他说：“我意识到……”

"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single mostoverlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideasand each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

“我开始意识到我们没有重视，没有好好教授交流这项重要的能力。孩子每天花费数小时通过屏幕来找到想法和其他伙伴，但很少有机会去发掘自己的人际交往技能。听起来很好笑，但我们必须自问：21世纪，有什么技能会比维持一段连贯、自信的谈话更为重要？”

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

我的工作就是跟别人谈话。诺贝尔奖获得者、卡车司机、亿万富翁、幼儿园老师，州长、水管工。我和我喜欢的人交谈，也和我不喜欢的人交谈。有时我个人十分不认同谈话对象的观点，但仍旧和他们有很好的交流。所以我希望用接下来的10分钟左右时间教你们如何谈话，以及如何倾听。

Many of you have already heard a lot of adviceon this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics todiscuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeatback what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

很多人已经听过无数建议，比如看着对方的眼睛；提前想好有趣的话题；用注视、点头并微笑来表明你的专注；重复你听到的话，或者做出总结。我想让你们忘掉所有这些，这些全都没用。

There is no reason to learn how to show you'repaying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

如果你真的很专心，那根本没必要去学习如何表现你的专心。

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teachyou how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how tobe better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting yourtime, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

我其实是把作为职业访谈者的技巧用在了日常生活中。我会教你们如何采访他人，这也能帮助你们学习成为更好的沟通者。学习开始一段交谈，不浪费时间，不感到无聊，以及最重要的，不冒犯任何人。

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walkaway feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connectionor you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactionscan't be like that.

我们都有过畅快的交流。都经历过。我们知道那种感觉。谈话结束之后令你感到全心投入，思如泉涌，觉得自己和别人建立了联系，或者认为自己得到了别人的理解。你的人际互动大多都可以是这样的。

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walkyou through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and masterit, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

我有10条基本规则。我会逐一解释，但老实说，如果你选择一条并且熟练掌握，你就已经可以享受更愉快的交谈了。

Number one: Don't multitask. 第一条：不要一心多用。

Number one: Don't multitask.

第一条：不要一心多用。

And I don't mean just set down your cell phoneor your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don'tthink about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of theconversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half outof it.

不是说放下你的手机、平板电脑、车钥匙，或者其他握在手里的东西就可以了。我的意思是，活在当下。进入到情境中去。不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。不要想着晚饭吃什么。如果不想聊了，那就不要聊了。不要只投入一半。

Number two: Don't pontificate. 第二条：不要批评说教。

Number two: Don't pontificate.

第二条：不要批评说教。

Now, there's a really good reason why I don'tallow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obamaand food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal,they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be likethat. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting asideof oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He saidthat sensing this acceptance, the speakerwill become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to thelistener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.

我的谈话里为什么不允许有专家说教的理由很充分：因为很无聊。如果对方是个保守派，那一定讨厌奥巴马、食品券和堕胎。如果对方是个自由派，那一定会讨厌大银行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。完全可以预测的。你肯定不希望那样。每一次交流时，都要假定自己可以学习到一些东西。著名的治疗师M.斯科特·派克说过，真正的倾听需要把自己放在一边。有时候，这意味着把你的个人观点放在一边。他说感受这种接纳，说话人会逐渐不再脆弱敏感，而是慢慢敞开心扉，呈现给倾听者。同样，你要假设自己是可以学习到新东西的。

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meetknows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expertin something.

比尔·奈伊说：“你遇到的人总会给你些不一样的东西。”我的理解是这样的：每个人都是某方面的专家。

Number three: Use open-ended questions. 第三点：使用开放式问题。

Number three: Use open-ended questions.

第三点：使用开放式问题。

In this case, take a cue from journalists. Startyour questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicatedquestion, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were youterrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No,I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Letthem describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "Whatwas that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might haveto stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interestingresponse.

这一点请参考记者的提问方式。以对象、事件、时间、地点、原因及方法来提问。如果你的问题复杂，那答案就会相对简单。如果我问，“你当时害怕吗？”你会回应那句话中最抓眼的词，即“害怕”，那答案将是“是”或者“不是”。“你当时生气吗？”“是的，我当时很生气。”让对方去描述。他们最知道真实情况。试着这样问对方：“当时是什么情况？”“你当时的感觉是如何的？”这样对方多半需要停下来想一想，而你得到的回答也会更有意思。

Number four: Go with the flow. 第四点：顺其自然。

Number four: Go with the flow.

第四点：顺其自然。

That means thoughts will come into your mindand you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in whicha guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asksa question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thoughtof this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that.And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

你的脑海中会不时有些想法，而你需要忘掉这些。我们在采访中会听懂嘉宾说了几分钟后，主持人回来问的问题好像与说的话毫无关系，或者有些问题已经回答过了。这说明主持人可能两分钟前就走神了，因为他想到了个绝佳的问题，满脑子只想问这个问题。我们同样也会这样。当我们和别人坐下交谈时，我们可能突然想起那次和休·杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。

And we stop listening. Stories and ideas aregoing to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

然后我们就不再倾听对方了。故事和想法会一直袭来。来就来了，走就走了，不要太在意。

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. 第五点：不知为不知。

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

第五点：不知为不知。

Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more carefulabout what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Dothat. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

广播节目里的人，尤其在全国公共广播电台（NPR）中，清楚他们的谈话会留有记录。所以他们对自己专业领域及确认的东西会更加小心。你也要这样。谨言慎行。对谈话负责。

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. 第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。

If they're talking about having lost a familymember, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they'retalking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how muchyou hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences areindividual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take thatmoment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody askedStephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. Peoplewho brag about their IQs are losers."

如果对方说家人去世，不要谈论你亲人离世时的情况。如果对方在说工作上的困扰，不要谈及自己多么讨厌工作。不一样。也永远不可能一样。所有经历都是独特的。而且重点并不在你。你不需要在此刻证明自己多么能干，承受了多少苦难。有人曾问史蒂芬·霍金他的智商是多少，他回答道：“我不知道。聪明人谁还张口闭口提智商啊。”

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

交谈不是用来推销自己的。

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. 第七条：避免重复自己的话。

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.

第七条：避免重复自己的话。

It's condescending, and it's really boring,and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversationswith our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don't do that.

这样显得盛气凌人，也很无聊。不过我们确实容易这样做。尤其是工作或者和孩子的交谈时。我们想声明一个观点，就换着方式不停地说。不要这么做。

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. 第八条：不要执着于细枝末节。

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

第八条：不要执着于细枝末节。

Frankly, people don't care about the years,the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with inyour mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you'relike, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

老实说，没人在意年份，名字，日期这些你费劲回想的细节。没人在乎。他们关注的是你。对方关心的是你是什么样的人，和你有什么共同点。所以忘掉细节吧。不要在意这些。

Number nine: Listen. 第九条：倾听。

Numbernine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen.

第九条：这不是最后一条，却是最重要的一条。倾听。

I cannot tell you how many really importantpeople have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most importantskill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouthis open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man everlistened his way out of a job."

无数大人物都说过倾听最重要，倾听是你可以提升技能的重中之重。佛曰，请允许我转述一下，“人不以善言为贤。”卡尔文·柯立芝曾说：“少说多做不出错。”

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one,we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anythingI'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity.But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our mindsare filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energyto actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in aconversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in thesame place.

为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？首先，我们更喜欢说。演讲人掌握话语权。我不用去听任何不感兴趣的东西。我是谈话的焦点。我可以强化自己的身份。但还有另一个原因：我们会受到干扰。人每分钟平均输出单词为225个左右，但可以输入近500个单词。所以我们的大脑要填补275个单词的空缺。我知道聆听他人耗神耗力。但如果你不这样，那就不是交谈了。而是两人在一处嚷嚷毫不相关的话而已。

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Coveysaid it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intentto understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

你们必须相互倾听。史蒂芬·柯维的表达就很好。他说：“我们大多数人倾听不是为了理解。而是为了回答。”

Number 10: Be brief.第十条：简明扼要。

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。

[A goodconversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enoughto cover the subject. -- My Sister]

“好的交谈就像超短裙；短到足够吸引人，长到正好涵盖主题。——我妹妹的话”

All of this boils down to the same basic concept,and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

这些其实都表达同一概念，那就是：要对他人有兴趣。

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to mygrandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'dsay, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He wasthe mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. She's a Russian ballet dancer."And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut asoften as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed,and I'm never disappointed.

我的外公颇有名望，在他身边长大有个可以说是个习惯了。家里人来人往，来和外祖父母交谈。他们离开后，我母亲会过来对我们说：“你们知道那是谁吗？女士是美国小姐的亚军。男士是萨克拉门托市长。这位拿过普利策奖。那位是俄罗斯芭蕾舞蹈家。”我就这样长大，认为每个人都有不为人知的天赋。实话实说，我想这让我成为一位更好的主持人。我尽量少说话，用心去听，永远准备着为谈话人所折服，也从未失望。

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people,listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

你们也可以这样。走出门去，和别人交谈，倾听他人。以及最重要的，准备为他人惊叹。

演讲内容就到这里。让我们来复习一下交谈的十大规则吧~