57

我在城区里遇到了越来越多让人闹心的事，都是莉拉让我看到的东西，我总是太晚发现，而且我自己也卷入了一些复杂的、很难厘清的事情。除此之外，我还打破了回到那不勒斯时我给自己立的一条规矩：不要被我出生的城区吞没。有一天下午，我把两个孩子留给了米雷拉照看，我先是去看了我母亲，然后，我不知道是为了平静一下，还是为了缓解一下我的不安，我去莉拉的办公室找她了，是艾达给我开的门，她看到我很高兴。莉拉在她的办公室里，正在和一个顾客大声讨论，恩佐和里诺去了一家公司办事儿。艾达觉得自己有义务陪我。她和我聊起了她女儿玛丽亚，她现在已经长大了，在学校里学习很好。这时候电话响了，她跑去接电话，一边叫阿方索：“莱农来了，你出来一下。”我的中学同学阿方索露面了，他的发型、衣服的颜色，比任何时候都要女性化，他带着一丝尴尬，让我进到一间简朴的小办公室里。让我惊异的是，我看到了米凯莱·索拉拉在那里。

I got more and more involved in the

  neighborhood that, because of Lila, I had glimpsed, and realized only later

  that I was getting mixed up in activities that were difficult to sort out,

  and was violating among other things a rule I had made when I returned to

  Naples: not to be sucked back into the place where I was born. One afternoon

  when I had left the children with Mirella, I went to see my mother, and then,

  I don’t know whether to soothe my agitation or to give vent to it, I went to

  Lila’s office. Ada opened the door, cheerfully. Lila was closed in her room

  and arguing with a client, Enzo had gone with Rino to visit some business or

  other, and she felt it her duty to keep me company. She entertained me with

  talk about her daughter, Maria, on how big she was, how good she was in

  school. But then the telephone rang, she hurried to answer, calling to

  Alfonso: Lenuccia’s here, come. With a certain embarrassment, my former

  schoolmate, more feminine than ever in his ways, in his hair, in the colors

  of his clothes, led me into a small bare space. There to my surprise I found

  Michele Solara.

我已经很长时间没有见到他了，我们三个人都觉得很不自在。我觉得米凯莱变了，他脸色有些灰暗，有了一些皱纹，但他的身体看起来还是很年轻，像个运动员，但尤其不正常的是，他态度和往常截然不同，他看到我很尴尬。首先让我意外的是，我一进去他就站了起来，其次是他对我很客气，但话很少，他以前习惯没完没了地说些戏谑的话。他频频地看着阿方索，好像要寻求他的帮助，但很快就把目光移开，就好像不好意思。阿方索也一样不自在，他不停用手整理他漂亮的长发，抿着嘴，好像努力地寻找话题。很快我们的对话就冷场了，在我看来，那些时刻很脆弱。我变得很焦虑，但我不知道为什么。也许是因为他们瞒着我，他们觉得我没办法理解这事儿。其实，我过去和现在出入的地方，要比这个城区的小房间前卫多了，我什么没见过，我还写了一本在国外备受关注的书，说的就是性别界限多么容易打破。我简直要脱口而出：假如我没搞错的话，你们是情人！我没那么说，只是我害怕我误解了莉拉的意思。但我也无法容忍冷场的局面，我说了很多，想把话题引到他们身上。

I hadn’t seen him for a long time, and an

  unease took possession of all three of us. Michele seemed very changed. He

  had gone gray, and his face was lined, although his body was still young and

  athletic. But the oddest thing was that he appeared to be embarrassed by my

  presence, and behaved in a completely uncharacteristic way. First of all he

  stood up when I entered. Then he was polite but said very little, his usual

  teasing patter had disappeared. He kept looking at Alfonso as if he were

  seeking help, then immediately looked away, as if merely looking at him could

  be compromising. And Alfonso was just as uncomfortable. He kept smoothing his

  long hair, he smacked his lips in search of something to say, and the

  conversation soon languished. The moments seemed fragile to me. I became

  nervous, but I didn’t know why. Maybe it annoyed me that they were

  hiding—from me, no less, as if I couldn’t understand; from me, who had

  frequented and did frequent circles more progressive than that little

  neighborhood room, who had written a book praised even abroad on how brittle

  sexual identities were. On the tip of my tongue was the wish to exclaim: If

  I’ve understood correctly, you are lovers. I didn’t do it only out of fear of

  having mistaken Lila’s hints. But certainly I couldn’t bear the silence and I

  talked a lot, pushing the conversation in that direction.

我对米凯莱说：

I said to Michele:

“吉耀拉跟我说，你们分开了。”

“Gigliola told me you’re separated.”

“是的。”

“Yes.”

“我也离婚了。”

“I’m also separated.”

“我知道，我也知道你现在和谁在一起。”

“I know, and I also know you you’re

  with.”

“你从来都不喜欢尼诺。”

“You never liked Nino.”

“是呀，我是不喜欢他，但人们应该做自己想做的事情，否则的话，会生病的。”

“No, but people have to do what they feel

  like, otherwise they get sick.”

“你还住在波西利波？”

“Are you still in Posillipo?”

这时候，阿方索很热情地插了一句：

Alfonso interrupted enthusiastically:

“是的，那里视野很美。”

“Yes, and the view is fabulous.”

米凯莱有些厌烦地看了他一眼，说：

Michele looked at him with irritation, he

  said:

“我在那儿住得还好。”

“I’m happy there.”

我说：

I answered:

“一个人住，永远都不可能好。”

“People are never happy alone.”

“宁缺毋滥。”他回答说。

“Better alone than in bad company,” he

  answered.

阿方索应该已经觉察到了，我在找机会说一些米凯莱不爱听的话，他想把我的注意力吸引到他身上。

Alfonso must have perceived that I was

  looking for a chance to say something unpleasant to Michele and he tried to

  focus my attention on himself.

他感叹了一句：

He exclaimed:

“我也要和玛丽莎离婚了。”他说完这句话之后，非常详细地说了他和妻子之间的争吵，都是为了钱的事儿。他从来都没提到爱情、性，也没提到她的背叛。他就这样说了一阵子钱的事儿。他闪烁其词地提到了斯特凡诺，只是说，玛丽莎把他从艾达手上抢了过来（女人抢别人的男人，都是那么肆无忌惮，非但没什么顾忌，还心安理得）。在他嘴里，他妻子就像一个熟人，可以用戏谑的语气来谈论。他笑着说，想想看，真热闹啊！艾达从莉拉手上把斯特凡诺抢了过来，玛丽莎现在又从艾达手上把他抢了过来，哈哈哈。

“And I am about to separate from Marisa.”

  And he related in great detail certain quarrels with his wife on money

  matters. He never mentioned love, sex, or even her infidelities. Instead he

  continued to insist on the money, he spoke obscurely of Stefano and alluded

  only to the fact that Marisa had pushed out Ada (Women take men away from

  other women without any scruples, in fact with great satisfaction). His wife,

  in his words, seemed no more than an acquaintance whose doings could be

  talked about with irony. Think what a waltz, he said, laughing—Ada took

  Stefano from Lila and now Marisa is taking him away from her, hahaha.

听他说这些的时候，我逐渐发现，就好像我把他从一个深井里拉了上来，我们现在又像当时坐同桌时那么亲密。但只有这时候，我才发现，我过去从来都没觉察到他的不同，我当时对他产生了感情，正是因为他和其他男性不一样，他的表现不像城区一般男性。现在，当他说话时，我发现我们的那种联系还没断。米凯莱依然让我很厌烦，他说了几句关于玛丽莎的话，很粗俗，阿方索的絮叨让他失去了耐性。后来，他几乎是带着怒气打断了阿方索的话（“你让我跟莱农说两句吧”）。他问了我母亲的情况，他知道我母亲生病了。阿方索不说话了，他的脸马上红了，我开始说了我母亲的一些情况，强调她很操心我的两个弟弟。我说：

I sat listening and slowly

  rediscovered—but as if I were dragging it up from a deep well—the old

  solidarity of the time when we sat at the same desk. Yet only then did I

  understand that even if I had never been aware that he was different, I was

  fond of him precisely because he wasn’t like the other boys, precisely

  because of that peculiar alienation from the male behaviors of the

  neighborhood. And now, as he spoke, I discovered that that bond endured.

  Michele, on the other hand, annoyed me more than ever. He muttered some

  vulgarities about Marisa, he was impatient with Alfonso’s conversation, at a

  certain point he interrupted in the middle of a sentence almost angrily (Will

  you let me have a word with Lenuccia?) and asked about my mother, he knew she

  was ill. Alfonso became suddenly silent, blushing. I started talking about my

  mother, purposely emphasizing how worried she was about my brothers. I said:

“佩佩和詹尼给你哥哥工作，她并不高兴。”

“She’s not happy that Peppe and Gianni

  work for your brother.”

“马尔切洛有什么地方做得不对的吗？”

“What’s the problem with Marcello?”

“这我不知道，你说说是怎么回事儿。我知道，你现在和他也有分歧。”

“I don’t know, you tell me. I heard that

  you don’t get along anymore.”

他几乎有些尴尬地看着我。

He looked at me almost in embarrassment.

“你搞错了。无论如何，假如你母亲不喜欢马尔切洛的钱，她可以让两个儿子去别人的手下干。”

“You heard wrong. And anyway, if your

  mother doesn’t like Marcello’s money, she can send them to work under someone

  else.”

我几乎要发作了，那个“手下”让我听起来很刺儿。我的弟弟在马尔切洛手下，在他手下，在别人手下。我的两个弟弟，我没帮助他们学习，现在因为我的缘故，他们只能在别人手下。下面？没人应该待在下面，更何况是索拉拉兄弟的手下。我更不高兴了，我想吵架。这时候，莉拉露脸了。

I was on the point of reproaching him for

  that under: my brothers under Marcello, under him, under someone else: my

  brothers, whom I hadn’t helped with school and now, because of me, they were

  under. Under? No human being should be under, much less under the Solaras. I

  felt even more dissatisfied and had a desire to quarrel. But Lila came out.

“啊，今天人真多啊！”她说，然后她对米凯莱说：“你要找我谈事吗？”

“Ah, what a crowd,” she said, and turned

  to Michele: “You need to talk to me?”

“是的。”

“Yes.”

“需要很长时间吗？”

“Will it take long?”

“是的。”

“Yes.”

“那我先和莱农说。”

“Then first I’ll talk to Lenuccia.”

他有些羞怯地点了点头。我站了起来，看着米凯莱说——但我用一只手抚摸着阿方索的手臂，就好像为了把他推向米凯莱。

He nodded timidly. I got up, and, looking

  at Michele but touching Alfonso on the arm as if to push him toward Michele,

  said:

“这几天，你们可以邀请我去波西利波吃晚饭，我现在总是一个人，饭可以由我来做。”

“One of these nights you two must invite

  me to Posillipo, I’m always alone. I can do the cooking.”

米凯莱张着嘴，但什么都没说。阿方索很不安地说了一句：

Michele opened his mouth but no sound

  came out, Alfonso intervened anxiously:

“不需要你做饭，我饭做得也不错，如果米凯莱邀请我们，我可以来做。”

“There’s no need, I’m a good cook. If

  Michele invites us, I’ll do everything.”

莉拉把我拉走了。

Lila led me away.

她让我在她的办公室里待了很久，我们有一句没一句地聊了起来。她也快要生了，但她的肚子好像已经没那么沉重了。她用两只手托着她的肚子，用开玩笑的语气对我说：“我现在终于习惯了，我感觉很好，这个孩子一直在肚子里，也挺好了。”她说这些时，带着一种不常见的洋洋得意的神情，她侧着身子让我看。她个子很高，消瘦的身体曲线很美：她小小的胸脯，肚子的圆弧，还有背部和脚踝的曲线都很美。她用一种有点粗俗的语气说：“我怀孕了，恩佐更喜欢呢，日子快要到了，真烦啊。”我想，那场地震在她看来是那么恐怖，她期望一切都是稳定的、停滞的，包括她怀孕的状态。我时不时会看表，但她一点儿也不担心米凯莱在等着她，好像故意让他等。

She stayed in her room with me for a long

  time, we talked about this and that. She, too, was near the end of her term,

  but the pregnancy no longer seemed to weigh on her. She said, smiling, as she

  placed her hand in a cup shape under her stomach: Finally I’ve gotten used to

  it, I feel good, I’d almost keep the child inside forever. With a vanity that

  she had rarely displayed, she turned sideways to be admired. She was tall,

  and her slender figure had beautiful curves: the small bosom, the stomach,

  the back and the ankles. Enzo, she said, laughing, with a trace of vulgarity,

  likes me pregnant even more, how annoying that it’ll end. I thought: the

  earthquake seemed so terrible to her that each moment now is uncertain, and

  she would like everything to stand still, even her pregnancy. Every so often

  I looked at the clock, but she wasn’t worried that Michele was waiting;

  rather, she seemed to be wasting time with me on purpose.

“他来这里，不是工作的事儿。”她想起了米凯莱还在等着，“他是找借口，假装谈工作。”

“He’s not here for work,” she said when I

  reminded her that he was waiting, “he’s pretending, he’s looking for

  excuses.”

“找借口做什么？”

“For what?”

“就是借口，但你要置身事外，要么你就做自己的事儿，不要管其他的，要么这些事儿你不要当真，包括去波西利波吃晚饭的事儿，你也真不应该说。”

“Excuses. But you stay out of it: either

  mind your own business, or these are matters you have to take seriously. Even

  that remark about dinner at Posillipo, maybe it would have been better if you

  hadn’t said it.”

我很尴尬，我小声说，那个阶段对我来说压力很大。我跟她说了我和埃莉莎还有佩佩的冲突，我对她说，我想去找马尔切洛谈谈。她摇了摇头，又重申了一次：

I was embarrassed. I murmured that it was

  a time of constant tensions, I told her about the fight with Elisa and Peppe,

  I told her I intended to confront Marcello. She shook her head, she repeated:

“这不是你可以插嘴的事儿，你还是在塔索街上好好待着吧。”

“Those, too, are things you can’t

  interfere in and then go back up to Via Tasso.”

“我不希望我母亲因为担心两个儿子死不瞑目。”

“I don’t want my mother to die worrying

  about her sons.”

“你要让她放心。”

“Comfort her.”

“怎么？”

“How.”

她微笑了。

She smiled.

“说谎，谎言比镇静剂还管用。”

“With lies. Lies are better than

  tranquilizers.”

58

那几天我心情很糟糕，连谎话都说不好。埃莉莎把所有事情都告诉了我们的母亲，我把我妹妹得罪了，结果是她现在不想和我有任何联系。佩佩和詹尼对着我们的母亲吼叫，叫她告诉我，不要跟他们说教，说那些只有警察才说的话。最后，我决定对我母亲说谎。我跟她说，我已经和莉拉谈了，莉拉已经答应我要照顾佩佩和詹尼。但她能看出我不是那么确信，就阴着脸对我说：“好的，很好，你回家去吧，去吧，家里有孩子。”我生自己的气，在接下来的几天里，我看着她越来越不安，嘟囔着说，她巴不得早点儿死。但是，当我把她带到医院时，她看起来充满信心。

But in those low-spirited days I couldn’t

  lie even for a good cause. Only because Elisa reported to our mother that I

  had insulted her and as a result she wanted nothing more to do with me; only

  because Peppe and Gianni shouted at her that she must never dare send me to

  make speeches like a cop, I finally decided to tell her a lie. I told her

  that I had talked to Lila and Lila had promised to take care of Peppe and

  Gianni. But she perceived that I wasn’t really convinced and she said grimly:

  Yes, well done, go home, go, you have children. I was angry at myself, and on

  the following days she was even more agitated, she grumbled that she wanted

  to die soon. But once when I took her to the hospital she seemed more

  confident.

“她给我打电话了。”她用那种沙哑、痛苦的声音对我说。

“She telephoned me,” she said in her

  hoarse, sorrowful voice.

“谁？”

“Who?”

“莉娜。”

“Lina.”

我惊讶地张大了嘴巴。

I was speechless with surprise.

“她跟你说了什么？”

“What did she tell you?”

“她说让我放心，佩佩和詹尼由她来想办法。”

“That I can stop worrying, she’ll take

  care of Peppe and Gianni.”

“什么意思？”

“In what sense?”

“我不知道。但假如她答应我了，那她一定会找到一个解决方法。”

“I don’t know, but if she promised it

  means she’ll find a solution.”

“这一点可以肯定。”

“That’s certainly true.”

“我相信她，她办法多。”

“I trust her, she knows what’s right.”

“是的。”

“Yes.”

“她现在多美，你看到了吧？”

“Have you seen how pretty she looks?”

“看到了。”

“Yes.”

“她跟我说，生下来如果是个闺女，就起名叫农齐亚，和她妈妈一个名字。”

“She told me if she has a girl she’ll

  call her Nunzia, like her mother.”

“她会生个儿子。”

“She’ll have a boy.”

“但假如是个女儿，就叫农齐亚。”她反驳道，她说这话时没看我，而是看着等待大厅里那些痛苦的面孔。

“But if it’s a girl she’ll call her  Nunzia,” she repeated, and as she spoke she looked not at me but at the other  suffering faces in the waiting room. 

我说：

I said:

“我一定会生一个女儿，你看看我的肚子就知道了。”

“I am certainly going to have a girl,

  just look at this belly.”

“然后呢？”

“So?”

我鼓起勇气向她保证：

I forced myself to promise her:

“我会给她起你的名字，不要担心。”

“Then I’ll give her your name, don’t

  worry.”

“萨拉托雷的儿子会给女儿起他母亲的名字。”

“Sarratore’s son will want to name her

  for his mother.”

59

我说，关于这事儿，尼诺没有发言权，在那个阶段，光是听到他的名字我就很生气。他消失了，他总是有很多事儿要做。但是，就在我对我母亲做出保证的那天晚上，我和两个女儿正在吃饭时，他意外地出现了。他看起来很愉快，他假装没听出我的语气很刻薄。他和我们吃了晚饭，然后逗着黛黛和艾尔莎，讲故事哄她们睡觉，等她们睡着。他那种轻浮、潇洒的态度，让我的心情更加糟糕。他现在露一下脸，但不知道会消失多久。他害怕什么？他害怕和我睡觉时，我会忽然开始阵痛，然后他不得不陪我去诊所？因此他不得不对埃利奥诺拉说：“我要和埃莱娜待几天，因为她要为我生一个孩子？”

I denied that Nino had a say in it, at

  that stage the mere mention of him made me angry. He had vanished, he always

  had something to do. But on the day I made that promise to my mother, in the

  evening, as I was having dinner with the children, he unexpectedly appeared.

  He was cheerful, he pretended not to notice that I was bitter. He ate with

  us, he put Dede and Elsa to bed with jokes and stories, he waited for them to

  fall asleep. His casual superficiality made my mood worse. He had dropped in

  now, but he would leave again and who could say for how long. What was he

  afraid of, that my labor would start while he was in the house, while he was

  sleeping with me? That he would have to take me to the clinic? That he would

  then have to say to Eleonora: I have to stay with Elena because she is

  bringing my child into the world?

两个女儿睡着了，他出现了客厅里，他爱抚了我一番，还跪在我面前吻了我的肚子。忽然间我想起了米尔科，他现在有多大了？也许十二岁了。

The girls were asleep, he came back to

  the living room. He caressed me, he knelt in front of me, he kissed my

  stomach. It was a flash, Mirko came to mind: how old would he be now, maybe

  twelve.

“你知道你儿子的事吗？”我开门见山地问。

“What do you hear about your son?” I

  asked without preamble.

他不明白我说什么，当然了，他以为我说的是肚子里的孩子，他很茫然地微笑了。这时候我打破了我答应自己的事情，跟他明说了：

He didn’t understand, naturally, he

  thought I was talking about the child I had in my belly, and he smiled,

  disoriented. Then I explained, with pleasure breaking the promise I had long

  ago made to myself:

“我说的是西尔维亚的儿子米尔科，我见到他了，他长得和你一模一样。但你呢？他认他了吗？你照顾过他吗？”

“I mean Silvia’s child, Mirko. I’ve seen

  him, he’s identical to you. But you? Did you acknowledge him? Have you ever

  had anything to do with him?”

他的眉头皱了起来，然后站起身来。

He frowned, he got up.

“有时候，我真不知道拿你怎么办。”他小声说。

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with

  you,” he murmured.

“你想拿我怎么办？告诉我。”

“Do what? Explain.”

“你是一个聪明女人，但有时候你就像变了一个人。”

“You’re an intelligent woman, but every

  so often you become another person.”

“也就是说？无理取闹？很愚蠢？”

“What do you mean? Unreasonable? Stupid?”

他笑了一下，做了一个动作，就像要赶走一只讨厌的飞虫。

He gave a small laugh and made a gesture

  as if to brush off an annoying insect.

“你太听莉娜的话了。”

“You pay too much attention to Lina.”

“这和莉娜有什么关系？”

“What does Lina have to do with it?”

“她会把你的脑子、情感，还有一切都毁掉的。”

“She ruins your head, your feelings,

  everything.”

他的话让我彻底失去了耐性。

Those words made me lose my temper

  completely.

我对他说：

 I  said to him:

“今天晚上我想一个人睡。”

“Tonight I want to sleep alone.”

他没有抵抗，脸上的表情就像是为了安生，才忍受了很不公正的待遇，他出去了，轻轻关上了身后的门。

He didn’t resist. With the expression of

  someone who in order to live peacefully gives in to a serious injustice he

  softly closed the door behind him.

两个小时后，我走来走去，不想睡觉，我感到肚子一阵阵痉挛，就像痛经一样。我给彼得罗打了电话，我知道他在夜里会学习。我对他说：“我要生了，明天你来接黛黛和艾尔莎。”还没挂上电话，我就感觉有热乎乎的液体沿着我的腿流了下来。我拿起了事先准备好的包，用手指摁着邻居家的门铃不放，直到他们打开了门——我和安东内拉已经说好了，她过来开门时还睡眼惺忪的，但她一点儿也不吃惊。我说：

Two hours later, as I was wandering

  around the house, with no desire to sleep, I felt small contractions, as if I

  had menstrual cramps. I called Pietro, I knew that he still spent the nights

  studying. I said: I’m about to give birth, come and get Dede and Elsa

  tomorrow. I had barely hung up when I felt a warm liquid drip down my legs. I

  grabbed a bag that I had long since packed with what I needed, then I kept my

  finger on the neighbors’ doorbell until they answered. I had already made an

  arrangement with Antonella, and though she was half asleep she wasn’t

  surprised. I said:

“时候到了，你帮我照看一下我女儿。”

“The time has come, I’m leaving you the

  girls.”

忽然间，我的怒气和不安都消失了。

Suddenly my rage and all my anxieties

  disappeared.