The scar
Do you have any scars on your hand?
If yes, could you tell any stories behind those scars?
Well, I have a bean size scar on the back of my left hand. I had it since 17. One night I had a terrible fight with my father after I failed an exam which we call it Gaokao.
My father is a little man, always older than his actual age. And he dosen't like disagreement, no matter right or wrong.
“You will never make it to to college if you don’t listen to me!”. My father ended the fight with the familiar curse. As usual, I slammed the door behind me, hid myself in the kitchen.
The fire was burning in the stove, with a cracking sound. The humiliation was turning over in my mind, with a crazy sound: "I will remember this hatred forever!"
Without hesitation, I took a red-hot iron and pushed it onto the back of my left hand.
Several years later, I graudated from college and lived in a city far away from my hometown. Years passed by, the scar already faded. And I knew my parents love me.
After my baby daughter was born, I invited my parents to live together with me. But i never realized that the hatred was still hiding somewhere waiting to grow.....I bursted in to anger whenever my parents criticized me, no matter I was right or wrong.
The scar already faded but there was still an invisible scar, bleeding from somewhere inside.
We all know that it’s easy to see the scars on the skin. We sterilize it and put on a band aid. But how to heal invisible scar? How to deal with the untouchable childhood trauma?
I didn’t know. My parents couldn’t stop criticizing me, no matter right or wrong. I bursted in to anger almost every day.
I was sick of it. I studied psychology, I consulted counselors but nothing changed. Maybe I should never live with my parents again! But what about the invisible scar? I knew it came from the relationship with my parents. I couldn't find the cure elsewhere.
Before long, I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer.
I knew, I must change when everyone was still alive.
One day after the painful surgery, I walked into the deep childhood memories after I re-read a psychological book which is called reconciliation with Childhood trauma.
From my dark memories, I saw a little girl standing in front of an old mirror, staring at her own angry face with pouted mouth. I recognized her. That was me.
I felt sorry for her.
I asked her gently: “Why are you so angry?”
“They haven’t apologized to me!”
“But you've already grown up and there’s no one to blame.”
Suddenly, tears run down my face. I finally understood why I was so angry all these years. It was nothing to do with the absurd criticisms. It was that little girl inside me was still waiting for an apologize.
After that day, my parents still criticized me amd I still quarreled with them from time to time. But I never bursted into anger again. I knew the invisible scar finally started to heal.
Let it go, let it go. The scold never bother me anyway.
Next month, I am going to take one week’s leave. Not for vacation on beach but to go back to my hometown, to refresh my childhood memories with joyful colors.
Dear friends, no matter how terrible your relationship with your parents are, don’t run away. Face it bravely.
The cure only lies in the relationship.
Quarrel with your parents if you couldn’t stand them, but at the same time, trying to observe yourself from a distance. Is that the real you or just a child trapped inside? Are you fighting with your parents? Or just fighting for something you didn’t get as child?
And it’s time to let it go.
No matter how terrible the storms you’ve endured, there’s no one to blame.
No matter howunfair your parents treated you in your childhood, there's no to blame and you've already grown up.
Let it go, let it go.
