本文作者Darlene Lancer
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Shame and Emptiness 羞愧和空虚
Prolonged shame is coupled with psychological emptiness, whether felt asrestlessness, a void, or a hunger to fill it. For some, it’s felt as deadness,nothingness, meaninglessness, or a constant undertone of depression, andfor others, these feelings are felt periodically – vaguely or profoundly,usually elicited by acute shame or loss. Many traumatized codependents hide a“deep inner hell that often is unspeakable and unnamable,” a “devouring blackhole,” which when contrasted with their hollow and empty persona, create adivided self, “massive despair and the sense of broken reality.”Addictsand codependents often feel this depression when stopping an addiction,including the ending of even a brief close relationship. Same, guilt,doubt, and low self-esteem typically accompany loneliness, abandonment, and rejection.
持续很久的羞愧是和心理空虚相伴的，不论是感觉到坐立不安，一种空虚或者是一种想要填补空虚的渴望。对于一一些人来说，它就好像死一样的状态，虚无，无意义，或者是一种沮丧的持续低音，对于其他人来说，这些感觉是周期性就会被感知-含糊地或深刻地，通常因激烈的羞愧或者损失引起。许多心理受到创伤的相互依赖关系藏着一个“通常是不可说出口和难以形容的深深内部地狱”，一个“一直在吞噬的黑洞”，当与他们的中空和空虚伪装的外表相对比时，就产生了一个分裂的自我，“大量的绝望和破碎现实的感觉”。上瘾的人和互相依赖的人在停瘾，包括甚至是一个短暂亲密关系的结束时，他们通常感觉沮丧抑郁。同样地，愧疚，怀疑和低自尊会典型地伴随着孤独，抛弃和拒绝。
Internalized shame fromchildhood colors loss and separation– as revealed in a stanza of a poem I wrote at 14: “Yet from day to day man is doomed, his sentence is what others see.Every move is judged and thus an image forms, but man is a lonely creature.”The “image” refers to my self-image etched in shame and loneliness. Thus, whenwe’re alone or inactive, we may quickly fill our emptiness with obsession,fantasy, or negative thoughts and self-persecutory judgments. We might attribute loneliness and unrequited love to our unworthiness and unlovability.This perpetuates our assumption that if we were different or didn’t make a mistake, we wouldn’t have been abandoned or rejected. If we respond by isolating more, shame can increase, along with depression, emptiness, and loneliness. It’s a self-reinforcing, vicious circle.
来自童年时期内化的羞愧渲染了失败和分离，在我14岁时写的诗中的一节中反映到：“然而一天天人注定这么度过，他的话语就是别人所见那样。每一步是判断过的，因此一幅画面形成了，但人是一个孤独的创造物。”“画面”指的是在羞愧和孤独中被侵蚀的我的自我形象。然而，当我们独自一人或者不活跃的时候，我们可能快速地用痴迷，幻想或负面想法和自我被害判断来填补我们的空虚。我们可能把孤独和无回报的爱归结于我们的无价值和不可爱。这使我们的假设长存，如果我们是与众不同的或者过去没有犯错，我们就不会被抛弃或被拒绝。如果我们用更多的孤立来回应，羞愧心能随着沮丧，空虚和孤独而增加。这是个自我加强的恶性循环。
Additionally, self-shaming and lack of autonomy deny access to our realself and the ability to manifest our potentialities and desires, further confirming the belief that we can’t direct our life. We miss out on joy,self-love, pride, and realizing our hearts’ desire. This reinforces our depression, emptiness, and hopeless beliefs that things will never change and that no one cares.
另外，自我羞愧和缺乏自治而否定进入我们真正的自我和有能力证明我们的潜力和心愿，更深确定的说明一个信条，那就是我们不能管理指挥我们人生。我们错过喜乐，自己爱自己，骄傲和认识我们内心的心愿。这加强我们的沮丧，空虚，绝望的信条，那就是事物将不会改变也没有人在意。
The Solution 解决方法
Whether we have existential or psychological emptiness, the solution begins with facing the reality that emptiness is both inescapable and unfillable from the outside. We must humbly and courageously assume responsibility for ourselves, live authentically, and become who we are – our true self. This gradually heals codependency and is the antidote for the depression, emptiness, and meaninglessness that result from living for and through others. See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You for the entire chapter on emptiness and how to heal.
不论我们已有存在的或心理上的空虚，解决之道始于面对空虚是不可避免的和从外界装不满的现实。我们必须谦卑和有胆量地为我们自己承担责任，真实地生活和存在，并且变成我们自己-我们真实的自己。这会逐步地医治互相依赖，是因着为他人活和通过他人来活着所导致的沮丧抑郁，空虚和无意义的解药。请查阅“征服羞愧和互相依赖关系：8个步骤去释放真正的你”中找到整篇关于空虚和如何治愈空虚的全文。
