In the past half year, I have experienced the worst time in my life. Maybe in ten years’ time when I look back, I will find it nothing at all. But for me now, it is just everything. I can not persuade myself into looking at the bright side of it and being a generous and open-minded person, and I know I am not. I don’t want to push myself that much. I have the right to feel sad about myself, don’t I ? So I allowed myself to wail whenever I failed to control myself. I know it’s meaningless and useless to cry, and it just can not solve any problems, I know. But what else can I do except crying? I need a way to let out all my resentments. Every time I stopped crying, I told myself that this was the last time and I would never cry for it again. But there were just so many last times that I began to distrust myself. I hate myself. I do not know how to manage the time when I am alone. I am afraid to face the quiet moment. I stay up late every night, binging on TV shows or whatever can divert my attention. I want to fall asleep immediately after I put down the iPad or I just keep it on during the whole night. Only in this way can I escape from this messy situation where I am encircled.
………..
“Shit happens. You got to put the past behind you before you can move on.” However heart-rending I am now, I must move forward. It may be justifiable for me to feel aggrieved for a while, but if I am stuck in it for the rest of my life, I just deserve it for my sins. Since the water in my brain has been drained, tomorrow I can be a fairy again .
Good night and see you tomorrow.
