如何找到可以让你做“自己”的伴侣
——在人际关系中培养真实自我的重要性
关键点
当人们谈到“做你自己”时，他们实际上是在谈论做“真实的自己”。
在很多方面，我们真实自我的对立面可以被认为是我们的“压力自我”。
当选择恋爱或社交伴侣时，找到一个能够接受真实自我的人是很有帮助的。
你见过哪一段关系中，一方不愿“做自己”？也许你的一个朋友一直很傻，但在他的伴侣身边，他突然变得非常严肃。或者你认识某个人，她有强烈的旅行癖，一生中去过很多地方，但最终嫁给了一个对旅行毫无兴趣、只会扼杀她这部分自我的人。或者你认识某个人，她天生就会弹钢琴，但她的伴侣却坚决反对她“发出声音”？
这些都是两个伴侣之间存在某种不匹配的情况——这种不匹配实际上抑制了至少一方（或许是双方）的“真实自我”。
真实自我与压力自我
已故《今日心理学》博主兼神经学家约翰·蒙哥马利 (John Montgomery)（与合作者托德·里奇 (Todd Ritchey) 一起）具有开创性地尝试使用进化框架来理解人类体验，他开发了一个自我模型，该模型将自我定义为在真实自我（当人们对自己是谁以及自己在做什么感到最舒服时的状态）和压力自我（当人们处于压力状态时出现）之间摇摆不定。当压力自我占据上风时，各种事情都会变得更加困难（见 Montgomery & Ritchey，2010）。人们会变得焦躁不安、不快乐、愤怒、焦虑、心不在焉、健忘、不信任等等。事实上，几十年前，行为科学家已经记录了与压力有关的一系列不良心理和生理后果。所有这些想法的一个简单含义如下：在生活的各个领域，都尝试创造有利于真实自我并淡化压力自我的环境和条件。
寻找一个能培养你真实自我的伴侣
虽然并非每个人都愿意与浪漫伴侣安定下来，但二元亲密关系却相当普遍。根据Statista 提供的这些数据，美国大多数成年人在人生的某个阶段都会结婚。
当然，出于各种原因，婚姻并不是轻率的。从很多方面来看，选择结婚对象是人生中最重要的决定之一。选择一个与自己不匹配的人最终可能会导致心痛和各种问题（见 Geher & Kaufman，2013）。
虽然在选择长期伴侣时显然有很多因素需要考虑，但根据 Montgomery 和 Ritchey (2010) 的研究，其中一个经常被忽视的因素是与一个你可以做你自己的人在一起——与你在一起会感到舒服。如果你发现一个人符合其他所有条件，但他的存在会抑制你做真实自我的能力（例如，你喜欢傻乎乎的，而另一个人无法忍受），那么你就是在给自己制造压力——尤其是考虑到真实自我的对立面就是压力重重的自我。如果你和一个对你真实自我重要方面的态度最终让你暴露出压力重重的自我，简而言之，你不会幸福。当人们没有压力并能自在地表达真实自我时，他们会表现得最好。这对配偶选择的影响是深远的。
结论
当人们使用“做你自己”这个短语时，这个短语实际上是有意义的。一般来说，他们的意思是“做真实的自己”——大致相当于你喜欢成为的人和你觉得你应该成为的人。
如果你正在选择一个长期伴侣，评估他们是否有助于培养你的真实自我，这将对这段关系的长期发展产生重大影响。与一个真正接受你真实自我的人建立长期伙伴关系是未来成功关系的关键——尤其是如果这个过程是相互的。
想要幸福的恋情？寻找一个爱你真实自我的人——尽管它可能不完美。
参考
Geher, G. 和 Kaufman, SB (2013)，《释放交配智力：心智在性、约会和爱情中的作用》。牛津大学出版社。
Montgomery, J. 和 Ritchey, T. (2010)。《答案模型：一条通往治愈的新道路》。TAM 图书。
How to Find a Partner You Can Be Yourself With
The importance of cultivating one's authentic self in relationships.
Posted October 9, 2024 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
THE BASICS
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KEY POINTS
When people talk about "being yourself," they really are talking about being your "authentic self."
In many ways, our authentic self's opposite may be thought of as our "stressed self."
When choosing a romantic or social partner, it's useful to find someone who embraces your authentic self.
Source: HuangDongPhoto/Pixabay
Have you ever seen a relationship in which one partner is discouraged from "being themselves?" Maybe there's a friend of yours who has always been quite silly but who, around his partner, suddenly becomes highly serious. Or maybe you know someone who has huge wanderlust and has traveled to all kinds of places in her life, only to marry someone who has no interest in travel and who really just stifles this part of her being. Or maybe you know someone who was just born to play the piano but whose partner discourages "that noise" pretty resoundingly?
These are all instances in which there is something of a mismatch between two partners—a mismatch that effectively stifles the "authentic self" of at least one of the partners (and perhaps both).
The Authentic Self vs. the Stressed Self
In a groundbreaking attempt to understand the human experience using an evolutionary framework, the late-great Psychology Today blogger and neuroscientist, John Montgomery (along with his collaborator Todd Ritchey) developed a model of the self that frames the self as oscillating between one's authentic self (who a person is when they are most comfortable with who they are and what they are doing) and one's stressed self, which emerges when one is under a state of stress. When one's stressed self takes over, all kinds of things become more difficult (see Montgomery & Ritchey, 2010). People become agitated, unhappy, angry, anxious, distracted, forgetful, distrustful, and more. Going back for decades, in fact, behavioral scientists have documented a broad array of adverse psychological and physiological consequences associated with stress. A simple implication of all these ideas is as follows: In all spheres of life, try to create environments and conditions that foster your authentic self and that downplay your stressed self.
Finding a Partner Who Cultivates Your Authentic Self
While not everyone is interested in settling down with a romantic partner, it is the case that dyadic intimate relationships are quite common. According to these data presented by Statista, a majority of adults in the US will get married at some point in life.
Marriage, of course, for a broad array of reasons, is not to be entered into lightly. Selecting a marriage partner is, in so many ways, one of the most important decisions that one might make in life. Choosing someone who is mismatched from yourself may well end up leading to heartache and all kinds of problems (see Geher & Kaufman, 2013).
While there are clearly many factors to look for in a long-term mating partner, one that is often-overlooked, based on the work of Montgomery and Ritchey (2010) pertains to being with someone around whom you can be yourself—with whom you feel comfortable. If you find someone who checks all the other boxes but whose presence inhibits your ability to really be your true, authentic self (e.g., you like to be silly and this other person cannot stand that), then you are setting yourself up for stress—particularly given this idea that the counterpoint to one's authentic self is one's stressed self. And if you are with someone whose attitude toward important aspects of your authentic self ends up bringing out your stressed self, in short, you're just not going to be happy. People do best when they are unstressed and are comfortable expressing their authentic selves. The implications for mate-selection are profound.
Bottom Line
When people use the phrase "be yourself," this phrase actually has meaning. Generally, they mean "be your authentic self"—roughly corresponding to the person you enjoy being and the person whom you feel that you are meant to be.
If you are choosing a long-term mate, assessing whether they help cultivate your authentic self or not can make all the difference in terms of how that relationship plays out over time. Forming a long-term partnership with someone who truly embraces your authentic self is simply a key to a successful relationship future—especially if this process is reciprocated.
Want a happy relationship? Seek out someone who loves your authentic self—as imperfect as it may be.
Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock
References
Montgomery, J., & Ritchey, T. (2010). The Answer Model: A New Path to Healing. TAM Books.
