为什么人们会和自己没有感觉的伴侣发生性关系
无期待性行为背后令人惊讶的真相
要点
与相貌平平的人发生性关系包括出于怜悯的性行为、出于慈善的性行为、出于工具性的性行为、出于醉酒的性行为以及出于无聊的性行为。
外表不吸引人的人可能会通过更强的性能力来弥补。
智性恋者（即被智慧吸引的人）可能会爱上外表并不吸引人的人。
“我喜欢和其他男人发生性关系，因为我意识到他们和我的丈夫相比有多么没有吸引力。”——一位处于开放式婚姻中的女性
我们往往更享受与自己心仪的人发生性关系。那么，为什么还有那么多人会与自己并不觉得外表有吸引力的人发生性关系呢？
与我们不觉得有吸引力的人发生的性行为类型
与我们并不觉得有吸引力的人发生性关系的主要类型包括：出于怜悯的性行为、出于慈善的性行为、出于工具性的性行为、醉酒后的性行为以及在无聊和性欲旺盛时发生的性行为（Ben-Ze'ev，2019）。在描述这些类型时，我提供了人们对“你是否曾经和你觉得外表没有吸引力的人发生过性关系？”这个问题的回答（主要来自Reddit）。
可怜的性
“我现在性欲几乎为零。昨晚我们只是出于同情才做了爱。我巴不得赶紧结束。就连接吻都让我恶心。”——一位女性
“我和他认识五年了。他是个非常温柔的人，我知道他会对我很好，但我就是对他没有生理上的感觉。他向我表白后，我和他发生了性关系；纯粹是出于同情。我只是希望他幸福，而且我真的很在乎他……我真希望我从未和他发生过关系。”——一位女士
在同情性性行为中，我们并非被那些对我们感兴趣的人所吸引，却仍然因为同情他们而与他们发生性关系。人们发生同情性性行为是因为他们认为自己“应该”这样做，而不是因为他们真的想这样做。
慈善性行为
“我对丈夫的性爱很满意 。我尝试过开放式关系，但说实话，我更喜欢和丈夫在一起。婚外性爱对我来说并不满足。”——一位已婚女性
慈善性爱是一种持续的体验，在这种体验中，即使人们对伴侣没有性吸引力，仍然爱着对方。怜悯性爱是一种孤立的体验，而慈善性爱则是一种持续的过程。慈善性爱在长期关系中很常见，其目的是为了增进彼此的关系，是对长期关系的一种短期投入。慈善性爱或许并不令人愉悦，但它不会带来痛苦。
器乐性爱
“我可以学会喜欢上一个秃顶的有钱男人。 ”——一位女士
“我和丈夫发生性关系是为了维持家里的和平。每次完成性生活后，我都会因为用性换取这份和平而感到内疚。我从来不和丈夫谈这件事。 ”——一位已婚妇女
在工具性性行为中，人们与自己并不反感、但能提供物质利益（例如金钱或地位）的人发生性关系。常见的场景是一位年轻貌美的女性和一位年长富有的男性。在这种“包养”关系中，浪漫元素被获取物质利益的工具性需求所取代。性工作者的情况也类似。工具性性行为也存在于长期关系中，例如为了维持关系中的“和平”而进行的“安抚性性行为”。
醉酒性行为
“我只有在喝了三大杯啤酒之后才会对我的妻子有感觉。”——一位男士
醉酒性行为是一种在正常情况下我们不会参与的性行为。与出于怜悯的性行为不同，在醉酒性行为中，当事人可能会享受其中。出于怜悯的性行为的冲突在于你不想做什么和对方想做什么；而在醉酒性行为中，冲突在于你在正常情况下不想做什么和你在醉酒状态下想做什么。
在无聊和兴奋状态下做爱
“我和一个相貌平平的男人发生了性关系，因为我当时性欲旺盛，非常渴望性爱。”——一位女性
“不是性欲，而是孤独。 ”——一位男士
这类人感到无聊又性欲旺盛，可能会与自己并不觉得有吸引力的伴侣发生快速性关系。他们认为这种性行为并没有什么不正常或令人作呕的地方，尽管他们未必对此充满热情——这只是在看似无害的互动中排解无聊的一种简单方法。
什么时候不漂亮反而有益？
“画面固然重要，但游戏性才是真正重要的。”——一位女性
与那些我们觉得没有吸引力的人发生快速性关系，反映了当今社会肤浅和速食的本质。在这个社会里，时机（即瞬间发生的事件）比时间（即长期过程）更为重要。由于时机与偶发事件相关，人们总是担心错过诱人的机会。同样，对逐步发展的浪漫关系的重视程度降低，也促使人们抓住短暂、乏味且肤浅的性机会。
有趣的是，与我们并不觉得有吸引力的人发生性关系也有其益处。其中一个益处是，这种不具吸引力的人会更有动力，从而表现得更好，以弥补最初被认为缺乏吸引力的不足。另一个益处是，我们会更加关注诸如智力和善良等性格特质，这些特质在长久的恋爱关系中更为重要。因此，性智恋者（即被智慧吸引的人）可能会渴望并爱上外表并不出众的人，就像玛丽莲·梦露爱上阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦那样。同样，被善良慷慨的人吸引对维系良好的恋爱关系也至关重要。此外，即使性生活并不那么诱人，坚持在恋爱关系中保持频繁的性生活也有其益处，因为对大多数伴侣而言，频繁的性生活与较高的关系满意度呈正相关（Johnson et al., 2025）。
一些看似低劣的特质，例如最初被认为缺乏吸引力，反而可能有助于我们认识到什么才是真正对我们有益的。你甚至可以与最初被认为缺乏吸引力的人拥有最美好的性爱和浪漫体验。在这种情况下，保持乐观和开放的心态至关重要。
参考
Ben-Ze'ev, A. (2019).爱情的弧线：我们的浪漫生活如何随时间改变。芝加哥大学出版社。
Johnson, MD 等 (2025)。性生活频率与关系满意度之间有何关联？《家庭心理学杂志》。https ://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001331
Why People Might Sleep With Partners They're Not Attracted To
The surprising truth behind sex with no expectations.
Key points
Sex with unattractive people involves pity sex, charity sex, instrumental sex, drunken sex, and being bored.
A perceived unattractive person may compensate with superior sexual performance.
Sapiosexual people, who are attracted to intelligence, can fall in love with externally unattractive people.
“I enjoy having sex with other men because I realize how unattractive they are compared to my husband.” —A woman in an open marriage
We tend to enjoy sexual interactions with people we are attracted to. Why then, do so many people have sex with those they don’t find physically attractive?
Types of Sexual Activities With People We Don’t Find Attractive
Major types of sexual interactions with people we don’t find attractive to are pity sex, charity sex, instrumental sex, drunken sex, and sex when being bored and horny (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). While describing these types, I provide answers people gave to the question, “Have you ever slept with someone you found physically unattractive?” (Mainly from Reddit).
Pity sex
"I would say my sex drive is about zero right now. Last night, we had pity sex. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Even kissing made me nauseous." —A woman
"I've been friends with this guy for five years. He is the sweetest guy, and I know he would treat me like gold, but I'm just not physically attracted to him. After confessing his love for me, I had sex with him; pity sex. I just wanted him to be happy and I do really care about him... I wish I'd never slept with him." —A woman
In pity sex, we are not attracted to the people attracted to us but nevertheless sleep with them as we feel sorry for them. People have pity sex because they think they "should," rather than because they actually want to.
Charity sex
“I'm satisfied with the charity sex I give my husband. I've tried the open option, but honestly, I prefer being with my husband. Sex outside the marriage was not satisfying for me.” —A married woman
Charity sex is an ongoing experience in which people love their partner even though they are not attracted to them. While pity sex is an isolated experience, charity sex is an ongoing one. Charity sex, common in enduring relationships, intends to enhance the relationship and is a short-term investment in enduring relationships. Charity sex may not be enjoyable, but it does not involve suffering.
Instrumental sex
“I can learn to be attracted to a bald, rich man.” —A woman
“I have sex with my husband in order to maintain industrial peace at home. After I check sex off my ‘to-do list,’ I feel bad about trading sex for this peace. I never talk about this with my husband.” —A married woman
In instrumental sex, people have sex with someone they don’t find unattractive who can provide material benefits, such as money or status. The cliché scenario is of an attractive young woman and an older, wealthier man. In this “sugaring” relationship, the romantic element is replaced by the instrumental wish to gain material benefits. The same applies to sex workers. Instrumental sex is also found in enduring relationships in the form of peace-inducing sex intended to maintain industrial peace in the relationship.
Drunken sex
“I am only attracted to my wife after three big glasses of beer.” —A man
Drunken sex is a type of sex that, in usual circumstances, we would not take part in. Unlike pity sex, in drunken sex the person may enjoy the sex. The conflict in pity sex is between what you don’t want and what the other person wants; in drunken sex, the conflict is between what you would not want in normal circumstances and what you want when you are intoxicated.
Sex while being bored and aroused
“I had sex with an unattractive man, because I was horny and desperate.” —A woman
“It's not the horniness; it's the loneliness.” —A man
In this category, people who are bored and horny may have quick sex with a partner they don’t find attractive. They see nothing abnormal or disgusting in such sex, though they are not necessarily enthusiastic about it—it is just an easy way to relieve boredom in seemingly harmless interactions.
When Is Unattractiveness Beneficial?
“Graphics matter but gameplay is what's truly important.” —A woman
Quick sex with those we find unattractive relates to the superficial and instant nature of current society, where timing, which is an instantaneous point in time, becomes more important than time, which involves long-term processes. As timing is associated with occasional circumstances, people continuously worry that they might miss an alluring opportunity. Similarly, the decreased value of gradually developing romantic relationships promotes the seizing of brief, dull and shallow sexual opportunities.
Interestingly, there are also benefits to having sex with people we don’t find attractive. One benefit is the greater motivation, and hence, better performance of the unattractive person compensating for initially being perceived as unattractive. Another benefit is that we give more consideration to personality traits, such as intelligence and kindness, which are more important in enduring romantic relationships. Thus, sapiosexual people, who are sexually attracted to intelligence, can desire and fall in love with physically unattractive people, as did Marilyn Monroe, who desired Albert Einstein. Similarly, being sexually attracted to kind and generous people is most valuable to flourishing romantic relationships. Moreover, the insistence on having frequent sexual interactions within the relationship, even when they are perceived as less tempting, has the benefit that for most couples, frequent sexual interactions correlate with high relationship satisfaction (Johnson et al., 2025).
A degrading trait, such as initially being perceived as unattractive, can be valuable in realizing what is really good for us. You can have the best sexual and romantic experiences with someone initially perceived as unattractive. Being optimistic and open-minded is a valuable stance to take in this regard.
References
Ben-Ze'ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. University of Chicago Press.
Johnson, M. D., et al. (2025). How are sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction intertwined? Journal of Family Psychology.
